Why I Didn't Go to Grad School

I often run into people who were integral parts of my life way back when I was a hopelessly ambitious student, full of all the confidence in the world that one day I would be someone powerful and important.


To me, every school assignment given to me, whether big or small would somehow make the difference between my becoming wildly successful or dying poor and lonely. “Average” was never a mark I was willing to accept and I strove for perfection in every situation. The first high school party I ever attended was the night of graduation, when I ran into people who I saw everyday for the last four years but never got to know. Even in college I would marvel at how my peers found time for going out and staying up past midnight. The only time I was up in the middle of the night was when I was furiously studying for a test. In some corner of my mind, all of this effort was the only way to guarantee not only success but happiness.


As a rock gaining speed on the way down a big hill, by my senior year of college I had surely gained the momentum to sail straight into a prestigious law school, graduate at the top of my class and then fly off to some glamorous, far away city to embark on obtaining the lifestyle I had always dreamed of. I didn’t even have time to really think about where I wanted to land, and instead, I aimed to land where I thought I should. In fact, never once did I question my goal of obtaining my law degree. It simply seemed a given that driven students naturally attend graduate school and continue their education.


I remember participating in an informational seminar about writing the perfect law school application and learning how important it was to write a truly memorable essay that clearly illustrated my immense passion for the field of law. Writing was always my strongest area in school, and yet, when I sat down at my laptop to hammer out 500 words or less, I struggled with coming up with anything genuine or profound. Thank goodness my second biggest strength is bull sh***ing my way through school papers because after days and hours of finding just the right words, was finally able to create something that had the illusion of being deeply heartfelt.


My biggest mistake (but greatest blessing) was that I arrogantly assumed that because of my GPA and 3 page resume, I would not need to worry myself with studying for the LSAT. While everyone else had been preparing for years, I decided to just wing it with minimal effort. I also assumed that I would not need to apply to multiple schools and that I would surely be a “shoe in” for U of A Law.

Another mistake.


I will never forget the day I sped to the mail box hopeful that it would be the day I would get an admission letter. I was watching little Millie Moo that day who was 2 and a half at the time, sitting in the back in her car seat sucking on a lolly pop without a care in the world. I reached into the mail box and there it was--a thin white envelop sealed with my fate. I ripped it open and my eyes fluttered a hundred miles per hour across the lines.

My acceptance letter was a denial letter instead.

22 years of hard work and perfectionism and missed social opportunities and fun that apparently wasn't good enough. I immediately broke into a tears and so did Millie. Of course, she didn't know why we were crying. All she knew was that her protector, the infallible, strong, worry-free adult caring for her suddenly became human.


Considering the title of this entry, my story could just end here. The simple answer to the question, why I didn't go to law school is well, because...I didn't get in. If that letter had said anything other than what it did, I would be sitting in a lecture hall right now, jotting down notes, listening intently to a professor and worried about the 100 pages of reading I would have to complete tonight. But I'm not.

I will likely spend the rest of my evening debating pot roast vs. lasagna for tomorrow night's dinner, cuddle with Bryan and Grace on the couch and share a good "Everybody Loves Raymond" laugh, try to finish Sunday's crossword puzzle and then fall asleep worrying about one of my students. Not exactly the prestigious or glamorous lifestyle imagined when I was younger, in fact, far from it. And yet, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin in my life.

Simply put, I am exactly where I belong. I am grateful that I chose the road less traveled, the path paved by my own heart.


My mistake was not in attempting law school and I certainly don't at all mean to insinuate that graduate school is not a worthy ambition for everyone. Rather, my mistake was that, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, I was "shoulding all over myself." Or to be trite, I was following someone else's expectations of me and incorrectly defined success by money and power. Going to graduate school for all the right reasons is an amazing endeavor. But continuing your education or picking a profession or anything else for that matter for all the wrong reasons, well, that's just tragic.

It's so crazy to me that I am now in a field that I never even considered while in college. I couldn't even get past the salary issue far enough to imagine what a life as a teacher or mentor might even look like. Working with kids probably won't ever earn me the big bucks but I am doing something that fulfills me beyond words.